Emptiness

Maybe those words mean something else to you

Maybe I should know how to explain my own problems better,

not for you to solve

but for me to put into true form what I need.

Not enough is what I feel 

when I see you fawn over 

other things.

Desiring your touch,

your thoughts,

you.

Let me hear about everything you don’t like about me again,

while I watch Them be all those things and your embrace of them last longer

as you tell me to leave but not leave to go but stay

again, once more, back and forth.

i want you here,

or me there

somewhere,

wherever that may be

be it freezing city grass plot

 or scorching desert nothingness.

“You’ll have to break this, because I’m fine staying here forever.”

Maybe his fear of my waiting being the true threat hit too close to home.

I will not let it go like this.

I’m always here, like I said. 

love pulsing beneath my fingertips

as I remember what I am, who I am.

Your patience wore thin while I am fighting the same battle

that’s raged for years.

the void that i feel was beginning to break

and that

was not enough. 

Earth is boring, I think, as I flex my fingers

imagining sand falling between them

constant endless pervasive

give me fire, I think

imagining the inferno.

emotions running wild and hungry

ceaseless

knowing that i am not that

i am deliberate and slow and endless in my own ways.

I am forever and always and not so easily extinguished

break the barrier that I have on the membrane of my mind and let feeling flow freely again like it did before so i don’t have to fear the things that ive become in my own absence of self, let my chrysalis state break and let the monstrosity beneath collapse and crumble and be made anew in an image that I can stand and that you want. let it collapse and crumble and collapse and crumble and leave me alone so i can be worth my own time. be worth your time. let me matter, let my feelings matter to me